


both to be seen and to be seen through

by templeofshame



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), ASDA, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-19 09:15:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22308703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/templeofshame/pseuds/templeofshame
Summary: Dan wants to be different, but he's got another year in a town that sees him as he used to be.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 15
Kudos: 71





	both to be seen and to be seen through

There are loads of reasons to take a gap year. Like that Dan doesn’t have much of a choice, really, and the idea of putting off the rest of his life does have an appeal. But it’s not like a year gets him off the hook, not like he won’t have to study law if he waits. And another year in Wokingham is a decade too fucking long.

Because even if Dan only leaves the house for work — and he works early as fuck in the morning — somehow he’ll run into someone who thinks they know him. It feels like a current he’s swimming against just to get through the day, the knowledge that people are looking at him and seeing the old Dan he doesn’t want to be. Sad, awkward, weird, alone. Maybe gay, or close enough, even though he still has a girlfriend on paper. He’s sick of seeing these things reflected back at him in people’s faces. Maybe that’s what people mean about seeing ghosts, because he shouldn’t know what they’re thinking, but his old dead self won’t leave him alone. The new, improved Dan should not give a fuck about what these people think anyway. But he does because they’re not wrong, and he really really wants them to be wrong.

They can be wrong. He can be different. Strangers can think what they think and then go to the other side of the store. And soon enough, Dan can go home and hide in his room and be someone he wants to be. And not alone.

After Cyprus, his summer’s been a gradual dissolution of half-assed friendships. One by one, people move into futures that don’t involve Dan. And maybe the worst part is that he doesn’t care. Maybe he should feel alone. Maybe it would be good for him to at least have people to get drunk with. But all he feels is guilty that he doesn’t miss them, that after all these years and the ways they kind of did get him through the bullshit, he’s glad to see them go. To let them take their expectations of who he is — who he should be — far away from who he’s starting to be now.

Those people are charging off into their futures, seeing the old Dan in their rear view mirrors if they think of him at all. And maybe he’s still in fucking Wokingham and slightly dreading the future, but he’s not gonna let that keep him stuck in the past. Can’t he have a present, whatever that looks like?

It looks like holing up in his room whenever he can, escaping into Twitter and now MSN and Skype. And it varies, but on average, it feels… less sad, less awkward, less weird, and yes, a lot less alone. (Definitely, definitely not less of that other thing, but the way it feels now isn’t nearly so scary as the word.)

Phil. It looks like Phil.

Phil, who is strange and fascinating and somehow fascinated by Dan. The Dan he’s just getting to know, now, with no preconceived notions. No reason not to believe that this new Dan he’s trying to be is just… Dan.

And if Phil — _AmazingPhil_ — can believe, maybe there’s hope for Dan yet. Even when he’s more the same than he wants to be, it all looks a bit better through Phil’s eyes. They’re each in their own limbo, Phil on the other side of uni, and they’ve carved out a space together where they can be... whatever. Together. Maybe.

Dan can be new with Phil. He can live in their internet world, talk about video game soundtracks and what CommunityChannel uploaded this week and what Dan would make if he did YouTube. Dan doesn’t have to talk about ducking from aisle to aisle to avoid the risk that Erin’s best friend’s dad might recognize him. If Phil asks about work, Dan can just say, “I didn’t get fired!” and maybe Phil will laugh, or he’ll be a little proud. Phil’s good at that, at supporting Dan on his tiniest accomplishments. And on mornings like this, keeping his job does feel like an accomplishment, whether or not it’s worth the effort.

This morning, the hardest part will be trying not to yawn, because he’s been up since 4 am but that doesn’t mean he wants Phil to hang up. He’d rather just… fall asleep. With Phil right there in front of him, even if he’s also across the country. Dan doesn’t know how to ask, though, not without being clingy and weird. Maybe he could manage “I don’t want to hang up.” It’s not like he’s trying to pretend he doesn’t want to talk to Phil literally all the time. And if it’s awkward, it’s new Dan’s kind of awkward. The kind that can look Phil in the eye and say what he wants, the kind that’s scary, but that’s paid off so far.

Or maybe Dan’ll stay awake. Then he doesn’t have to either hang up or basically ask Phil to watch him sleep. But either way, he has to call. That’s not a question, it’s a click and barely a second of ringing before Phil answers and the screen fills with black fringe as Phil leans over to adjust the angle.

“Dan!” he says. He lights up every time, like it’s a pleasant surprise that when he gets a Skype call from Dan, Dan’s on the other end of it.

“Hey.” Dan can’t keep the fondness out of his voice. Not that he’s trying. He doesn’t want to be any version of himself who doesn’t appreciate exactly how adorable this guy is. And he’s pretty sure Phil doesn’t want that either.

“Your shifts are too long,” Phil whines.

“Way too long,” Dan agrees. “And Keith keeps giving me shit about being on my phone.”

“Not that that stops you.” Phil’s grin has an edge of smirk to it.

“You know me. Always a rebel.” He says it without thinking and then, slowly, it sinks in. 

You know me. It should be simple. They talk all the time now. Phil knows him better than almost anyone, more than people who’ve known Dan his whole life (like his parents, cough). But Dan can feel the weight of it linger on his tongue even though the words have gone. Who does Phil know, really? Who has Dan let him see? 

Dan wants Phil to know him. Not in the way that all of fucking Wokingham seems to think they know him, but not just in the things he’s trying to be, bold and charmingly snarky and conveniently into all the things Phil likes. But also, the things he’s not choosing to be or to leave behind, not old or new, just... Dan. And how can he expect Phil to know all of that — _him_ — when Dan doesn’t even know himself?

Phil hasn’t said anything. How long has Dan been overthinking some throwaway thing he said while Phil is just looking at him, waiting for him to say something?

Phil speaks before Dan manages to land on something vaguely normal to say, though. “Always?” he asks. He could just be playing along, but there’s something in his tone that’s softer, too cautious not to mean something.

“Do you ever feel like you’re… trapped between people? Like, you can’t go back to who you were before, but… there’s no one new to become?” So much for something vaguely normal to say.

Phil opens his mouth too quickly, but he shuts it again. Dan watches him, imagines that he can feel the gears turning, that he knows Phil well enough to pick up on the signs of his uncertainty, the battle between his gut and his brain. Maybe he does, or else he will. 

“I think it’s too easy for me to go back,” Phil says. “My old room, Mum doing my laundry, people asking when I’ll find a nice girl.” He pauses, smoothing his fringe with nervous fingers. “But I think there’s someone new. To become.”

Dan knows he’s the one who asked, knows Phil’s not being dismissive, but his first instinct is still a defensive one. “I’m _trying_ to,” he says. “I want to believe it’s just fucking Wokingham. But it could be me. I could just be…” Dan waves an arm as he trails off, at first like something hazy, but ending with a flourish. _Some kind of cloud blob, or a performance?_

“You’re Dan,” Phil says, which doesn’t answer anything. But then, “You should come here.” Because that’s a thing he’s started saying. It flows out like it’s nothing, but it still makes Dan feel things. Like the urge to hurl himself through the screen and into Phil’s probably-not-that-serious arms.

“It’d test the Wokingham theory,” he agrees. “Might be a letdown for you, though, if it turns out it’s all me.”

“Dan,” Phil says, a kind of reassuring scold. He looks away, then back. “We’ve got people to become. I’m psychic, remember? I know these things.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but a smile itches at the corners of his mouth.

“Believe it or not, I usually revert more than this. I’ve been back living with my parents this long, and I haven’t gotten on their schedule, like with sleep, or even meals, really. Not that — I’m still eating what Mum makes, but it’s not like I’m back in sixth form. I’ve barely even made them play board games.”

Surprise flashes across Phil’s face when Dan laughs, like that sound is a prize he didn’t earn, but he’ll gladly take. But he doesn’t stop to ham it up or question the laughter or join in.

“‘Cause I’ve been up here with you. I’d rather be here, unless I could be there, or get my own flat maybe. And that’s… new.”

Dan wants to argue, to say that that’s Phil and Dan’s different, that he’s nothing beneath the mask, that Phil doesn’t understand. But he can’t. Phil’s smile is so tentative, so fragile Dan knows if he does that, he’ll break it. And that smile is real, Dan knows. He _knows_ , and what Phil’s saying is real too. That what they’re doing here — just… hanging out, talking all the time, getting to _know_ each other as much as knowing people is a thing — is part of… that new-Dan-becoming thing. The future that feels impossible, except when it feels… natural. Easy. Right.

“Me too,” Dan says. “I’m… I don’t know.”

Phil’s hand twitches, like he’d reach through the screen if he could. “Then it’ll be worth the wait to find out.”

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on [tumblr](https://templeofshame.tumblr.com/post/190332323000/both-to-be-seen-and-to-be-seen-through-g-17k)?


End file.
